Bonds: not very very comfy undies

One of my pet hates is false advertising. I once considered complaining to the ACCC about Woolworth’s ‘fresh food’ claim when I realised that green bananas and rock hard pears are technically fresh off the trees. But can’t they just leave them on the trees a little longer? When I am shopping how am I supposed to know if I’ll feel like a banana next week?

One legitimate claim I may have though is Bonds’ claim of ‘comfy undies’. They have been using this tag for years but I have never heard them acutally back up why they claim that their underwear is comfortable. Is this just ‘puffery’? (See, I did remember something from Law 101). What makes them so comfortable? They can parade Patrick Rafter around in their underwear as much as they like but I think that Australian men deserve some specifics.

So here are some specifics on why I think they are uncomfortable. Firstly, they are too tight around my testicles. Now I don’t have particularly large balls, but even for me the undies pull them up into my body. This can even be painful when sitting or lying in certain positions. Even worse is the fact that it is now commonly understood that this increases the tempeture which can have a negative affect on fertility.

Secondly, while being too tight around the testicles I find them too loose around the penis. Unfortunately I was a victim of forced circumcision as an infant, and as a result my glans (head), which should naturally be mostly an internal organ, is constantly exposed to annoying friction with underwear. If this part of the underwear is loose, my glans are allowed to move around too much causing a great deal of irritation.

So in my opinion, Bonds have it back to front – their men’s underwear is too tight down low and too loose up high.

I should admit that I actually wear bonds underwear. But here is what I need to do to actually make them comfortable. I buy them, and like a good cellar wine, I put them away for at least 3 years. In this time, the cotton seems to become more relaxed, and makes them just right around the scrotum. Unfortunately they also become looser around the penis. But as I can now cover my glans with my foreskin remnant following an almost complete foreskin restoration this is now less of an issue.

So as a repeat customer, i don’t think my complaint to the ACCC would stand up. I would like to understand if Bonds actually did any market research into what Australian men actually want from their underwear. Bonds – if you do decide to actually do some research please let me know and I’ll be happy to tell you more.

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