Doubts cast on Aussie tradie’s story of being bitten on the penis by a spider for a second time

Spider penis fetish

A spider fetish, perhaps?

While the mainstream media and online news sites were lapping up the story back in April of a Sydney tradie who was supposedly bitten on the penis by a redback spider, many of us were skeptical.

And then, when he claimed it happened again in September, in “pretty much the same spot”, our ‘bull-dust meter’ went off the scale.

Let’s first go back to the first incident on 27 April this year, and scrutinize some of his claims – many of which were taken from the transcript from this interview with Kyle Sandilands and Jackie O from radio station KIIS 1065.

  1. He felt immediate, intense pain.
    This reaction is rare. When speaking to the Sydney Morning Herald on redback spider bites Julian White, Head of Women’s and Children’s hospital toxinology department says “The initial bite may only cause mild discomfort or irritation, and sometimes is not even noticed. Pain usually increases over an hour or two and may radiate up the limb.”
  2. He was advised by emergency call operators to apply pressure.
    While this makes for a funny story of ‘Jordan’ having to stay at the site with his hands down his pants, this is not the advice that paramedics and emergency call centre workers are trained to provide. In fact the commonly accepted advice is to NOT use the pressure immobilisation technique, but to apply an ice pack or cold compress.
  3. He called for an ambulance, and when it didn’t show after one hour he got a ride with his girlfriend.
    So where was the appointed first aid person on the building site? Why couldn’t they, or another worker on site have driven him to hospital? It is not usually a recommended course of action to go to hospital via ambulance for a redback spider bite, except when the bite victim is a child, pregnant woman or elderly person.

Despite the above, it is still plausible that someone could be bitten on the genitals, especially in an outdoor toilet, as this one was. In years gone by this was a more frequent occurrence with many toilets located outside.

But then, when he claimed it happened again, it wasn’t just the writers here at Aussie Penis who were suspicious.

A few theories were bandied around over at Reddit, with our favourites as follows:

User DratThePopulation wrote:

“Second time? This guy gets off on having dangerous insects on his junk. It’s a fetish, I guarantee it.” (Read the full thread here.)

But we think user bluepooner25 may have been onto something when they wrote:

“Dr. Drew used to get people calling in on his radio show Loveline with Dr Drew and every couple of months some person would call in and say they had a spider bite on there penis. Every single instance it turned out to be an STD. I’m suspicious of this guys story, especially because he says the bite occurred on the exact same spot.” (Read the full thread here.)

Even shock jock Kyle Sandilands had this idea in mind when he suggested, albeit jokingly, that Jarrod had fabricated the story in an attempt to hide an STD from his girlfriend. Jarrod’s response to this was drowned out by laughter and other comments.

While we may never know what really happened, the bigger question to come out  of this is why would someone go to the media to tell the world about this embarrassing situation…twice?

A look back at a penis obsessed year at the NT News

While most Australian tabloid newspapers wouldn’t shy away from a good story related to penises, it seems that in 2014 the NT News ran any story related to penises. And the stories didn’t even need to be relevant to the Northern Territory, or even Australia for that matter.

Searching for the keyword ‘penis’ on their website returns over 900 results. Some of the penis related articles published in 2014 involved fast bowler scratchings, funny signs (with a later follow-up piece), penis shaped termite mounds and trees, which all at least had an Australian context, to frivolous overseas stories associating penises to milk cartons, clouds, tourist maps, grafitti, birds and even the innocent milky bar treat. At least story on a botched circumcision had a slightly more serious health/risks of cosmetic surgery angle.

The story on the penis shaped running route map prompted a facebook follower of the page going by the name of ‘Woodie’ to call them out on their penis fetish with the following comment:

Does NT news have penis envy? Always stories with penises. Thought it was a newspaper, not a nudespaper!

Of course, the NT News could not help themselves by responding to the comment by emphasising the user’s unfortunate name:

We cater to what our audience love Mr Woodie.

We eventually discovered that the reason for their prolific penis pennings in 2014 was because the NT News had hired a dick joke correspondent, we daresay being the first newspaper in the world to do so.

We wonder if, in the interests of gender equality, we can expect the hiring of a vagina joke correspondent in 2015? Or perhaps once they have gained a following with the jokes they could bring some attention to some serious men’s health issues?

Australians lay claim to the world’s most realistic penis shaped rock

Forget the big prawn, banana, merino or any of the other man-made ‘big’ tourist attractions that Australia seems to have an obsession for creating. The big thing that Aussies should be most proud of is a natural formation which modest locals have simply called ‘the rock’, while outsiders refer to it more descriptively as ‘cock rock’.

This giant sized penis shaped rock is not only large, but also realistic, keeping its resemblence to a giant erection from multiple perspectives.

For those looking for an excuse to take a road trip, according to this YouTube video, the rock is just off the Dilgry Circle, near the intersection with Pheasant Creek Road in the Barrington Tops State Forest in New South Wales.

For those who want to take a quick look check out this photo on Flickr. What do you think? Is this the most impressive penis shaped rock on Earth?

 

 

Corona is not just a beer: The Australian guide to the penis

Corona is not only a beerHow well do you know your own penis? While there are plenty of articles in both women’s and men’s magazines that go into great detail on female genital anatomy, there is little said, apart from crude jokes and discussions about size, about our own bits. As our parts are mostly external, perhaps we think that because we can see it we know everything about it? Well there is often more to it than meets the eye. In the following we give a brief introduction to some of the individual parts of the penis, and explain them in a way that the Australian man can easily understand.

Corona

Corona is a Mexican beer, famous for its citrus aroma and flavour. Many Australian drinkers garnish their beer with a wedge of lemon or lime to highlight these flavours, although some say this is simply a marketing ploy. Garnishing your own corona in the same way is not recommended given that it is one of the most sensitive parts of your penis, and may result in intense stinging! The corona (or corona glandis/coronal ridge) is the rim or flange at the base of the glans (or ‘head’) of the penis. Stimulation is achieved by the action of the foreskin ‘rolling’ or ‘gliding’ over the corona.

Every time I see someone drinking a Corona beer I question if the marketing department at this company did much research before naming their beer. Although the brand has been around since the 1800s, and also means ‘crown’, so perhaps they can be forgiven.

Sulcus

Some Australian men might know the sulcus as a new toothbrush from Oral B but it is also part of your penis. Although this toothbrush has been designed for sensitive teeth and gums, remeber that, despite the poorly chosen name, it is for your teeth and not your actual sulcus. Ouch!

So what is the sulcus? To be fair to Proctor and Gambler, the term sulcus is not unique to the penis, and is defined as a deep, narrow furrow or groove, as in an organ or tissue. It is a term most commonly associated with the narrow fissures in the brain. The sulcus on your penis, or more correctly, the ‘coronal sulcus’ is the groove underneath your corona.

Bands

Something we go to see at a pub on saturday nights. You also have multiple bands on your penis. The most significant of these is the ridged band (or frenar/frenular) band which according to cirp.org is a “ring of deeply corrugated or ridged mucous membrane lining the tip of the prepuce which provides “important sexual reflexes and erogenous sensation”.

Smegma

This should not be mistaken for a brand of top-end kitchen appliances (that’s just smeg), or a made up swear word on the tv series Red Dwarf. According to circumstitions.com it is “A natural secretion of skin cells and oils that collects under the foreskin in both males and females” that has “lubricant, pheromonal (sexual attractant) and perhaps bacteriostatic (bacteria-killing) functions”. It can be a case of too much of a good thing so the occasional wash is in order.

Frenulum

If you don’t know what this is stick out your tongue in front of the mirror and look underneath it. The bit that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth is the lingual frenulum. The frenulum on your penis looks similar, and is the ridge of skin under the glans, joining it to the foreskin. Some call this the male G spot, but different men report varying degrees of sensation.

Docking

This is what farmers sometimes do to sheep tails, right? If you are the slightest bit homophobic perhaps you should leave it at that and don’t read on, because this gets a bit graphic. When I was about ten, I wondered what homosexual men actually did with each other. I thought that they somehow managed to wrap or twist their penises together. When I learned a bit more I remembered thinking back about how naive I was as a ten year old. As it turns out, I wasn’t far off the mark. “Docking” is a sexual technique where one man will extend his foreskin beyond the end of his penis and continue to roll his foreskin onto his partner’s penis.

Foreskin

Many older Australian men may define this as ‘the bit that is cut off during circumcision’. Most younger guys who were left intact know what this is, and know that it is much more than the ‘useless flap of skin’ it was called in the past. In fact, it is not even skin, but a richly nerve-laden group of special structures including the frenulum, dartos and ridged band. For those who have had theirs taken away and read this with a heavy heart, reading about foreskin restoration below may lift your spirits.

Glans

Every Australian man would know what this part is, you just may not know the correct name for it! Most of us probably call this the ‘head’ or sometimes ‘helmet’.

Dartos

This may sound like a spanish version of the pub game usually played with a beer in the non-throwing hand, but it is actually a thin layer of muscle under the skin of the scrotum and penis, and is prominent around the tip of the foreskin. Here it forms a sphincter to close around the end of the glans. It is what causes ‘shrinkage’ in cold weather.

Corpus cavernosum

This may sound like something you missed during religous studies in primary school. Wasn’t this the cave where Jesus Christ was interred? While an internal part, you should still understand it considering it is important for erectile health. The corpus cavernosum is basically your erectile tissue. When aroused, your brain will send instructions to fill this erectile tissue with blood, resulting in an erection. There are exercises and penis pumps that can strengthen and grow the corpus cavernosum resulting in stronger and longer erections. While it seems that most women don’t care too much about penis size, if this is important to you these methods can actually work, where magic pills and potions will not.

Foreskin restoration

Australian men like to restore old things, especially houses, motorbikes, cars and tractors. What you may not know, even though it is now getting greater media exposure, is that you can also restore your foreskin. ‘Restoration’ may actually be a misnomer, as the process is more like ‘growing it back’. It involves putting tension on the foreskin remnant to induce a process called mitosis, where new skin cells are grown. This new skin eventually can cover the glans to look and feel similar to the real thing. However, it’s a little bit like taking a standard VH Valliant Charger and modifying the engine, front grill and sticking on some decals to make it look like an R/T.  It might look like the real deal from a distance but upon closer inspection and a test drive you can tell its not quite the same.

 

Image courtesy of khunaspix / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Average Australian penis size: what is it, and does anybody care?

In this land where big things seem to be revered (eg. big pineapple, banana, prawn, ad infinitum), how do Australian men stack up when it comes to penis size? What is the average penis size for Aussie men, and how does this compare to other countries?

measuring penis size“Does anyone even care?” seems to be the most socially acceptable response to these questions. But although most Australian men and women will often say they don’t care, it doesn’t take much digging around to get the feeling that to some extent, we do.

Just looking at the number of traction or pump growth devices available on the market and the huge number of website pages on the topic will give you some indication of what a hot topic this is. But don’t worry about attempting to read through them all because I’ve done that for you, and can give you the 10 second summary:

1. Most guys seem to be curious enough to get the tape measure out at one point.

2. It is almost always guys who ask the question.

3. Most brief responses from girls will say they don’t care.

4. Most detailed responses from girls will say anything from slightly under to slightly over average is just fine.

5. Guys confirm that they ‘whip it out’ and compare with their friends only as often as the girls have pillow fights with their friends dressed only in sexy underwear.

So now that we have established that it’s not really important, let’s have a look at the various studies that have been done on the penis size, both length and girth, of Australian men.

The most recent study was by Smith et. al. which found that the average erect length of the Australian man was 15.71cm with a circumference of 13.2cm. Ansell condoms (page no longer available – archived version) provides further details on this study and also compares the results to other studies from around the world.

An earlier study by Richters et. al. in 1995 found the average penis length for Australian (specifically, Sydney) men was 16.0cm. Interestingly it found that the circumcised men in this study were on average 5% (0.8cm) shorter than the uncircumcised (or intact) men. The theory is that the lack of skin in circumcised men effectively tethers the penis to the body, restricting it from extending to its full potential. For circumcised men who are concerned about this, anecdotal evidence suggests that foreskin restoration can reverse this effect.

The final survey comes in the form of the world penis size map, which while disputed by some Australian sources, shows Australians with a penis size of just 13.31cm. Personally, I’d be happy to not question this at all and believe that I am actually well above the average of my fellow country-men, rather than just the average as suggested by other surveys.

In response, we have created our own world map of average penis sizes. This new map uses the third-party measurement from the Smith et. al. study mentioned earlier, setting the average penis length of the Australian man at 15.71cm.

Not that it matters to me. Because it’s not important, and nobody cares, right? But if you do care, you might want to check out on post on the top eight tips for making your penis larger (or at least how to not make it any smaller).

Image courtesy of Carlos Porto at FreeDigitalPhotos.net